Fast and Furious

My old nemesis, depression, has returned like Vin Diesel in the 1970 Black Dodge Charger R/T from the Fast and Furious franchise. Just like a growling muscle car, and bad acting, the depression has come drifting into my consciousness and revving it’s engine every time I politely ask it to park in another location.

The depression is something I don’t talk about a lot. It’s not really an upper at dinner parties nor do most people want to hear about the goggles of sadness that seem to adhered themselves to my face.

I tend to throw everything at the depression to counteract its grip. I lean into my practices, like a good yogini, and meditate longer and add more mantras. I extend the pranayama practice. I do even more Yoga Nidra (is it even possible)? But none of it seems to touch it. Literally, like the Fast and Furious movies, just when I thought there couldn’t possibly be another one, it comes roaring back on the big screen of my mind.

I know that it will pass. I have seen this movie before and it’s sad, and the drama that unfolds in the story is quite compelling, but I won’t give myself permission to stay in this theatre for too long.

I had a good run, even during the Pandemic! I suppose I have been naive to think that this particular plot would never return. Sort of like saying I’m “done” with the laundry. Nope, you’re still going to have to wash the clothes you’re wearing.

So I think I will welcome this newest version of the old nemesis. My usual way of throwing everything at it, or judging myself for feeling this way at all, neither of those things are particularly effective. I think this time I am going to lay out the welcome mat the feelings.. I will open myself to them and ride it out. Let the tears fall and let the thoughts spin a bit. Let my heart be heavy, and allow whatever needs to be felt to just be. And say thank you for showing me something isn’t quite right, because I know that will eventually guide me to the right call to action. But to act simply for the sake of acting, because I don’t want to feel whatever is underneath, that will not work. I’ve tried for years and it’s time to try something different.

As frustrated as I am with this particular sequel, it’s here so I had better face it. When I think of Vin Diesel as his character, Dom, smirking in the front seat of that muscle car while the world blows up all around him, maybe that’s the attitude I need to adopt. Time to grab the keys and get in. Let’s see where this next franchise will take me.