Listen Up

It’s become glaringly apparent how terrible we are at listening to one another. We are all so busy trying to be heard that it seems we’ve lost the skill of connecting with others through the simple act of listening.

I have read that listening is something that can be taught; and like any skill, if we apply the right tools regularly, we can improve. But I am now of the mind that if someone doesn’t want to be taught, they will not learn. And honestly, that’s okay. Acceptance feels much more spacious than wishing things were different.

Hearing someone say words is not the same as actual listening. The videos we watch on social media is us being talked at. It is not a dialogue of any kind. People may comment, but these comments are just more monologues being thrown into the void.

And yet, we long for real and deep connection. There are numerous articles about the epidemic of loneliness and it is no surprise as we isolate ourselves with our screens and with our thoughts. When we talk and listen with other humans; share ideas, laughter, experiences, it mitigates the loneliness. This is a surefire salve to a most overwhelming wound in society.

Listening requires a desire to want to connect, which I believe we all possess. It also requires the speaker and the listener to share the space. There can be discomfort, such as when opinions differ, or we hear something that triggers something in us. But there can also be compassion and understanding for another human being who also has differing opinions and triggers. Listening requires patience and practice. And it is something that can be skillfully honed with time. However, these tools are rarely taught.

What I propose is that those of us who do want to be good listeners, and what I mean by “good” is the ability to connect, pay attention, focus on the speaker, reflect with kindness and compassion (or how about a little curiosity?). But if these definitions don’t apply, please add your own.

I digress. My proposal is that those of us who want to be good listeners simply do it regularly. Model the behavior we want to see. It may not change someone else’s desire to become more skillful at listening, however, it may allow us to connect with others more deeply. And in turn, by doing so, it may create the spark of desire to learn more about how to connect through listening.