Origin Story: Food

A little bit of my origin story. It all starts with nausea. Like, super nauseous all the time. Growing up in the 70’s, this was the era of “fast and easy foods” like Spaghetti-O’s and Franks, cheese in a can, sugared cereals, processed everything. And I ate it all. Swanson t.v. dinners, Stouffer’s French bread pizzas, and candy. Lots and lots of candy. My Mom was a great cook but with 3 kids and a busy schedule, she looked to these convenience foods to help make her life easier. And everyone was doing it!

Admittedly, these foods were maybe not the most nutritionally dense. The homemade meals my Mom cooked were always excellent, but all of the supplementary foods were questionable in the realm of “good health”. It was much more about convenience and novelty. And my belly suffered. Greatly.

Was it the food I was eating that was making me nauseous? Maybe. Likely. I mean, a hot dog with mustard, potato chips and a Dr Pepper every day after school while watching Scooby Doo is pretty much the perfect recipe for an evening with Mylanta. But there was also a lot of tension and conflict in my house. I believe this was equally responsible for much of the digestive distress.

I can’t blame my parents, they were doing the best they could. And I can’t blame the food industry of the 70’s and early 80’s, as capitalism and food were getting more intertwined by the day. We were all prey to the delicious and easily accessible foods that were being marketed to us.

At about age 10 or so, my chronic stomach issues were becoming unbearable. I went to see a doctor, and I vividly remember asking him if he thought perhaps my sugar intake might be related to my nausea and general stomach distress. He laughed and said probably not but I think, deep down, my body had a different truth. Maybe it wasn’t the sugar, but the highly processed foods partnered with a stressful home environment were certainly not helping. Looking back, I really do believe that my body knew better.

And to make matters worse, I threw up regularly. Not on purpose. Reflux and the constant underlying anxiety didn’t help. My fear around throwing up grew until it got to the point where I often wouldn’t eat, or I would eat very little, to avoid getting sick.

As I reflect back, the time spent worrying about feeling sick and being sick lead me to understand my body and my health in a way that I might not have otherwise. Unfortunately, it ultimately lead to an eating disorder (orthorexia and anorexia) and I was regularly forced to confront my beliefs about my body, food, and the relationship between them. Not eating became a way for me to control my fear. Total focus on eating “healthfully” and the terror that ensued around any food that was deemed “unclean” because more ways that I believed I could manage my fear. Rationalizing “clean eating” and other disordered eating habits, as well as mental constructs around food and my body (dysmorphia) led me to many years of mental anguish. It has taken almost equally as long to get to where I am today; a place of honoring my body.

I share some of this so that it might give you hope, especially if this is something that you struggle with as well. We can literally make ourselves sick with worry about whether or not our food is “clean”, “healthy”, “organic”, etc. If the way you are eating causes angst, suffering, and stress, perhaps it’s time to seek help around your relationship with food.

I have gotten to a place of deep gratitude for what I experienced growing up as it has lead me to exactly where I am today. Not always easy as we are inundated with messaging around food and our bodies. Instead of the messages we were fed in the 70’s about convenience, now the messaging is all about “clean” or “healthy”!

It has been a lifetime of practices to learn how to care deeply for my body. It has driven me to read, study, learn, research, and practice. I have tried numerous ways of eating, but what I have realized, more than anything, is that food is not the enemy. And the body is to be valued and cared for with the utmost compassion and love. The body does not need to be starved or force-fed; it needs to be listened to, appreciated, and loved. If you are pescatarian, vegan, vegetarian, paleo, gluten-free, dairy-free, macrobiotic, whatever way you nourish yourself, let it be for the experience of self-love in the vehicle of the incredible body that is your container for your most precious Soul. Let it make sense for you.